11-21-18 today it feels real. today i feel like, yup, i DO have cancer. feared for months, stressed through tests and biopsies and was strangely removed the day of diagnosis, terrified to get get it 'staged' and that wasa not the worst of fears, but always lingers the fear it will turn worse.
today was hard on me. it was PET scan and pelvic MRI - out of town, early morn til evening dusk, log day. the action of MRI machine did me no favors. stiff , sore, exhausted and having come home to have an 'episode' and that is finally retreating to dull ache.
today was helped by neighbor and brother and daughter and son. tomorrow is thanksgiving. i am grateful for family. will not be with any of my family but my dad this thanksgiving and it will be simple.. i am also grateful to have the day off work and seek to do some serious resting self-care
11-26-18 it got a little more 'serious' today. when doctor calls you at home with results of scans at end of the work day.feared the results since day they were done. yes, some spread, hear the dreaded 'lymph nodes' being mentioned but
ok
game plan fits MRI not really a surprise to the doc
but then the PET scan
there was a surprise
and it does not really make sense to doc. adrenal glands? not a normal place for cervical cancer to spread
new biopsy on horizon
but stick with appointment with radiologist and chemo doc tomorrow -
gyno-oncologist .will talk to radiologist hopefully before appointment
learn more about what the hell radiation going to be like
and please, please let's get things rolling, start doing the work to fight this and get me healthy again
12-02-18 tomorrow IT begins...IT - curative therapy treatment to make me a survivor , cancer free
tomorrow everything changes, no more pretending normal, no big deal, tomorrow has every day for weeks and weeks shaped by treatment visits to hospital
i have been marked permanently 'tattoos', pin prick size, one on each hip and one slightly off-center , next to my vertical c-sections scar, on the left. these marks will get lined up[ and help place me for the external radiation beams that will be focused on me starting in 3 days. tomorrow is chemo, 3 hours of IV
what to wear? what to bring? what to expect? been given worst case scenario from the doc i nick-named doctor hard ass, he told stories of horror from chemo, the oncologist laughed and told me she believes i will do very well. well, one day at a time - starting tomorrow
12-24-18
yesterday church - Mary focus of day, holy babies leaping in womb, blessed be the fruit of the womb
as my womb is being irradiated and sloughing off cancerous cells as modern tech, the powers of the universe and i , with all my friends and family fight against this disease
full moon
powerful moon'
power of oceans and tides
power of womens blood and bodies and birth and the pulse of gramdmothers
days getting longer
colder, winterier ? dry brown world as we turn
the turning
the world is turning
may the tyrant be gone and replaced by the reign of love of life, health blessed are we all, fruits of womb turned to we the people of the planet
let there be peace
12-28-18
spewed belly full of water and enough coffee to add color to the spray upon snow
had already taken anti-nausea med not sure if absorbed much in time span from ingestion to projectile vomiting
took second tier anti naus med just now and head to work on icy roads this morn
much of this disease has paralleled pregnancy - but in benjamin button backwards fashion. the pain was if in labor. the need to urinate like a full term pregnant woman, the disruption to digestion, and then the pains - pain like serious labor, intense uterine cramping - yell , pucnh pillows kick bed kinda pain...that was month + ago. now pains dramatically decreased, needing to pee not so bad :) but puking like first trimester and loving saltines and 7up
01-07- 2019
this was 'fraction' 21 ( of 35) for external beam radiation
it was #5 of 7 (?) chemotherapy infusions ( holidays and missing day for biopsy down at University and fact started chemo 2 days prior to actual radiation has left schedule lop-sided. will have # 7 next week and see if will have an 8th to support final week of radiation, yet to be decided
absolute exhaustion.getting out of bed seems like climbing a mountain. still scheduled to work 3 afternoons this week
sleepy, like blurry eyed, spaghetti limbs
saturday the 5th was warm and sunny. i slept late, woke still tired, sat in sun for an hour or so before wrangling dogs for an outting. we drove to one park. got out and walked equiv of a couple blocks, back to car, drove to another place and walked a few more paces around a ponf in woods :) came home napped, got up for med, food, shower and in bed by 7 pm, got up 8 am next day - still so tired
all the nurses and doctors tell me that is the radiation at work, that ( the rad) is part of therapy to blame for excessive fatigue. the chemo just makes queasy
queasy to smells, i smell, my home smells, everywhere smells, some smell sick and familiar, other strange smells assault sometimes
but it is the smell i have known for months,my smell of me and my body
i remember thinking that the odd discharge i started having in summer were just female discharge, a part of life, it did not smell ''foul'' - i told myself that because it could not be anything terrible ( like cancer) when it had noxious odor
it has become noxious to me, though it is not a ''bad'' smell and it is enmeshed with my long time preferred soap and the organic flea repellant used on my pets, it is in all my clothes, my pillows, my mattress, my linens
i wonder if it will go away
or if it stays it will stop whispering 'cancer' as a waft tickles my nose and memory
last sunday of xmas yesterday
the congregation sang "we Three Kings'
VERSE 4
Myrrh is mine; its bitter perfume
breathes a life of gathering gloom;
sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,
sealed in the stone-cold tomb.
that verse hit me in the olfactory awareness and i shed tears
but this chica is planning to make the tomb wait a good long time, i am making this journey with chemo and radiation to get over the challnge to other side and be a healthy strong survivor
INTERNAL radiation scheduled and the last day is the eleventh of february, the same date made me grandma, the same date was my quit smoking date, it is a great day for new beginnings :D
01-10-19
get up with approx half hour to drink water enough to settle stomach to take pill and not vomit it, more water to settle it
bathroom - endless trips, sometimes barely pull up pants and flush before needing to reseat as bowel movements erratic to frantic andot having sloughing of the goo that has come to symbolize the disease
so much toilet paper, so many flushes
so much tp, so much water
so many hygiene pads and tp
so much
4-5-19
so chemo ended near end of january, then the external radiation.
slowly the stomach and taste issues of chemo began to wan
but internal radiation began....monday wednesday minday wednesday monday - each time full anesthesia,get up early to go be put to sleep for bulk of the day, the days in between so fatigued could barely get out of bed and muster energy for bath. profound fatigue
then the burns
near the end of the internal radiation the whole area between my legs, all the delicate folds of skin that make 'lady parts' were severely burned, so burned even the touch of toilet paper was horribly painful, the actual vagina opening became hard and stiff feeling like a thick, painful scab, urinating was like throwing acid on the burned skin. hosptial provided a 'healing lotion' that had some soothing effect but the pain was excruciating and went on for weeks.
i then , after radiation ended, was trying to ease back into activity and work. and the discharge and back pain and cramping returned so intense i called the hospital and was seen. the doctor ( radiologist) did full pelvic and assured me looked very good. the tumor was shrunken down to almost nothing. yes, had much mucusite(s?) cells that were raw and producing gooey ooze.
but after a few weeks was feeling pretty normal :) eating normal without upset, more regualr bowel and the crotch area skin and tissues had held up. then
PET scan (3-27)
report - still cancer cells possible
biopsy (4-1) yes, still cancer cells and decision made for hysterectomy
my uterus grew 2 beautiful humans :) it served a great purpose and i am ok with being rid of it in it's now diseased state. the hysterectomy will be happening on one of my grand daughters birthdays
many thanks to my biobro Tony <3 for organizing this GoFundMe to help me through this https://www.gofundme.com/cervical-cancer-costs?fbclid=IwAR2hWGjA177LZgj_ddqLrv2JpC12HGB9dCCRk2bzKr9JtxGC9azLTs38pJ8
