new century

 I understand Google was going to get rid of some dormant accounts. I guess it's time to revive my blogspot

I'm still here. it was 2018 when I was diagnosed with cancer and I'm still here. since then I have gained another grandchild been through a pandemic and had a corgi during my life

11-21-18 today it feels real. today i feel like, yup, i DO have cancer.
feared for months, stressed through tests and biopsies and was strangely removed the day of diagnosis, terrified to get get it 'staged' and that wasa  not the worst of fears, but always lingers the fear it will turn worse.
today was hard on me. it was PET scan and pelvic MRI - out of town, early morn til evening dusk, log day. the action of MRI machine did me no favors. stiff , sore, exhausted and having come home to have an 'episode' and that is finally retreating to dull ache.
today was helped by neighbor and brother and daughter and son. tomorrow is thanksgiving. i am grateful for family. will not be with any of my family but my dad this thanksgiving and it will be simple.. i am also grateful to have the day off work and seek to do some serious resting self-care
11-26-18 it got a little more 'serious' today. when doctor calls you at home with results of scans at end of the work day.feared the results since day they were done. yes, some spread, hear the dreaded 'lymph nodes' being mentioned but
ok
game plan fits MRI not really a surprise  to  the doc
but then the PET scan
there was a surprise
and it does not really make  sense to doc. adrenal glands? not a normal place for cervical cancer to spread
new biopsy on horizon
but stick with appointment with radiologist and  chemo  doc tomorrow -
gyno-oncologist .will talk to radiologist hopefully before appointment
learn more about what the hell radiation going to be like
and please, please let's get things rolling, start doing the work to  fight this and get me healthy again

12-02-18 tomorrow IT begins...IT  - curative therapy treatment to make me a survivor , cancer free
tomorrow everything changes, no more pretending normal, no big deal, tomorrow has every day for weeks and weeks shaped by treatment visits to hospital
i have been marked permanently 'tattoos',  pin prick size, one on each hip and one slightly off-center , next to my vertical c-sections scar, on the left. these marks will get lined up[ and help place me for the external radiation beams that will be focused on me starting in 3 days. tomorrow is chemo, 3 hours of IV
what to wear? what to bring? what to expect? been given worst case scenario from the doc i  nick-named doctor hard ass, he told stories of horror from chemo, the oncologist laughed and told me she believes i will do very well. well, one day at a time - starting tomorrow
12-24-18
yesterday church - Mary focus of day, holy babies leaping in womb, blessed be the fruit of the womb
as my womb is being irradiated and sloughing off cancerous cells  as modern tech, the powers of the universe and i , with all my friends and family fight against this  disease
full moon
powerful moon'
 power of oceans and tides
power of womens blood and bodies and birth and the pulse of gramdmothers
days getting longer
 colder, winterier ? dry brown world as we turn
the turning
the world is turning
may the tyrant be gone and replaced by the reign of love of life, health  blessed are we all, fruits of  womb turned to we the people of the planet
let there be peace


12-28-18
spewed belly full of water and enough coffee to  add color to the spray upon snow

had already taken anti-nausea med  not sure if absorbed much in time span  from ingestion to projectile vomiting
took second tier anti naus med just now and head to work on icy roads this morn 
much of this disease has paralleled pregnancy  - but in benjamin button backwards fashion. the pain was if in labor. the need to urinate like a full term pregnant woman, the disruption to  digestion, and then the pains - pain like serious labor, intense uterine cramping - yell , pucnh pillows kick bed kinda pain...that was month + ago. now pains dramatically decreased, needing to pee not so bad :) but puking like first trimester and loving saltines and 7up

01-07- 2019
this was 'fraction' 21 ( of 35) for external beam radiation
it was #5 of 7 (?) chemotherapy infusions ( holidays and missing day for biopsy down at University and fact started chemo 2 days prior to actual radiation has left schedule lop-sided. will have # 7 next week and see  if will have an 8th to support final week of  radiation, yet to be decided
absolute exhaustion.getting out of bed seems like climbing a mountain. still scheduled to work  3 afternoons this week
sleepy, like blurry eyed, spaghetti limbs
saturday the 5th was warm and sunny. i slept late, woke still tired, sat in sun for an hour or so before wrangling dogs for an outting. we drove to one park. got out and walked equiv of a couple blocks, back to car, drove to another place and walked a few more paces around a ponf in woods :) came home napped, got up for med, food, shower and in bed by 7 pm, got up 8 am next day - still so tired
all the nurses and doctors tell me that is the radiation at work, that ( the rad) is part of therapy to blame for excessive fatigue. the chemo just makes queasy
queasy to  smells, i smell, my home smells, everywhere smells, some smell sick and familiar, other strange smells assault sometimes
but it is the smell i have known for months,my smell of me and my body
i remember thinking  that the odd discharge i started having in summer were just female discharge, a part of life, it did not smell ''foul'' - i told myself that because it could not be anything terrible ( like cancer) when it had noxious odor
it has become noxious to me, though it is not  a ''bad'' smell and it is enmeshed with my long time preferred soap and the organic flea repellant used on my pets, it is in all my clothes, my pillows, my mattress, my linens
i wonder if it will go away
or if it stays it will stop  whispering 'cancer' as a waft tickles my nose and memory
last sunday of xmas yesterday
the congregation sang "we Three Kings'
VERSE 4
 Myrrh is mine; its bitter perfume
breathes a life of gathering gloom;
sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,
sealed in the stone-cold tomb.
that verse  hit me in the olfactory awareness and i shed tears
but this chica is planning to make the tomb wait a good long time,  i am making this journey with chemo and radiation to  get over the challnge to other side and be a healthy strong survivor
INTERNAL radiation scheduled and the last day is  the eleventh of february, the same date made me grandma, the same date was my quit smoking date, it is a great day for new beginnings :D


01-10-19
get up with approx half hour to drink water enough to settle stomach to take  pill and not vomit it, more water to settle it
bathroom - endless trips, sometimes barely pull up pants and flush before needing to reseat as  bowel movements erratic to frantic andot having sloughing of  the goo that has come to  symbolize the disease
so much toilet paper, so many flushes
so much tp, so much water
so many  hygiene pads and tp
so much
4-5-19
so chemo ended near end of january, then the  external radiation.
slowly the stomach and taste issues of chemo began to wan
but internal radiation began....monday wednesday minday wednesday monday - each time full anesthesia,get up early to go be put to sleep for bulk of the day,  the days in between so fatigued could barely get out of bed and muster energy for bath. profound fatigue
then the burns
near the end of  the internal radiation the  whole  area between my legs, all the delicate folds of skin that make 'lady parts' were severely burned, so burned even the  touch of toilet paper was horribly painful, the actual vagina opening  became hard and stiff feeling like a thick, painful scab, urinating was like throwing acid on the burned skin. hosptial provided a 'healing lotion' that had some soothing effect  but the pain was excruciating and went on for weeks.
i then , after radiation ended, was trying to ease back into activity and work. and the discharge and back pain and cramping returned so intense i  called  the hospital and  was seen. the doctor ( radiologist) did full pelvic and assured me looked very good. the tumor was shrunken down to almost nothing. yes, had much mucusite(s?) cells  that were raw and producing gooey ooze.
but after a few weeks was feeling pretty normal :) eating normal without upset, more regualr bowel and the  crotch area skin and tissues had held up. then
PET scan (3-27)
report - still cancer cells possible
biopsy  (4-1) yes, still cancer cells and decision  made for hysterectomy
my uterus grew 2 beautiful humans :) it served a great purpose and i am ok with being rid of it in it's now diseased state. the hysterectomy will be happening on one of my grand daughters birthdays









many thanks to  my biobro Tony <3 for organizing this GoFundMe to help me through this https://www.gofundme.com/cervical-cancer-costs?fbclid=IwAR2hWGjA177LZgj_ddqLrv2JpC12HGB9dCCRk2bzKr9JtxGC9azLTs38pJ8

 “another sunset
edges towards the trails end
all brings that opportunity for a rewind ahead
plug for the recharge,
loosen the laces for needed relief
a beverage, a nutritional morsel,
and a soft pillow
life is good, thanks once again”
levi paul taylor

 “Sunset is still my favorite color, and rainbow is second.”
 Mattie Stepanek

“They ran to the museums for paintings. I ran to the roof for sunsets”
Darnell Lamont Walker

  state park jewels of nature

 

 nestled cozy hamlets

  

 

  fertile farm fields

 ancient wonderful vistas

 places to  savor the seasons

 

 

 city neighborhoods and family farms

   rolling pastures that inspired masters of paint

  

 landscapes not so unlike Van Gogh's view

 my home, my Iowa

i never really took many pictures.when my grandson was  born and my mom was ''snowbirding'' in the southwest she wanted pictures. i received  a mother's day gift of a camera i really began to photograph such variety of things and loved having a camera along as part of family gatherings or my exercise/physical therapy of walking/hiking.when mother, dealing with some major and chronic health issues , took to being at home most of the time and eventually being truly homebound in her illness. she always loved seeing  gardens and the trees and such around the city. she loved flowers. she had always raised flowers, i began to take photos of flowers to show her. i would photograph the spring flowering trees around town to share with her.over the years i brought her many pictures. some prints. mostly slide shows on tablet in electronic bright life. our last time together we looked at the hundreds of family and nature photos on my tablet.
and mom is gone now. there was still ice on the ground the day she died. it is now autumn, warm but clearly the change of another season is upon us. i see the season changing and i will be working backward here in blog where i still hold spring captures  and early summer glory to share, stored up  over the past two seasons,
beautifully, briefly the butterflies float and flit through the summer days, tomorrow to be but memory. thinking of mom ...

  

Sommerfugler

Butterflies

“Nobody sees a flower - really - it is so small it takes time - we haven't time - and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time.” Georgia O'Keeffe

 

 “Life breathed spring (haiku)
spring awakening
dance of lovers
delicately wrapped in cherry blossoms” Sir Kristian Goldmund Aumann

“A flower blossoms for its own joy.”   Oscar Wilde

 “...and so many colors
I will have seen...
the menacing greys
and pine greens
the soft pink and purples
of spring
and summer blue
and so many others
without you.”Sanobar Khan







“Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine to the mind.”  Luther Burbank

 

“The flowers' beauty drew her closer to them like a magnetic force. She felt compelled to walk a little faster.” H.L. Balcomb

 “But only a person in the depths of despair neglected to look beyond winter to the spring that inevitably followed, bringing back color and life and hope.” Mary Balogh

 “Come with me into the woods where spring is
advancing, as it does, no matter what,
not being singular or particular, but one
of the forever gifts, and certainly visible.” Mary Oliver

 “I can still bring into my body the joy I felt at seeing the first trillium of spring, which seemed to be telling me, "Never give up hope, spring will come.” Jessica Stern

 “And the Spring arose on the garden fair,
Like the Spirit of Love felt everywhere;
And each flower and herb on Earth's dark breast
Rose from the dreams of its wintry rest.” Recy Bysshe Shelley

 “The world is exploding in emerald, sage, and lusty chartreuse - neon green with so much yellow in it. It is an explosive green that, if one could watch it moment by moment throughout the day, would grow in every dimension.” Amy Seidl

 “It was such a spring day as breathes into a man an ineffable yearning, a painful sweetness, a longing that makes him stand motionless, looking at the leaves or grass, and fling out his arms to embrace he knows not what.”John Galsworthy

“Spring shows what God can do with a drab and dirty world.”  Virgil Kraft